I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
