Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
