we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
