i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
babies were throwing up all over the place
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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