My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
