If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
