Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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