Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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