the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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