I'm pants shitting drunk right now
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
