does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
