you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
