My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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