I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
