Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
