I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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