I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
