i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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