I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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