Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
