he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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