I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
