I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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