I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
