dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
