she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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