"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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