If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You need a sexual gate keeper
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
