I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
We are all done wearing pants today
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
