Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
