You can't motorboat a personality
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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