i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
