Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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