4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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