This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
