I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
