If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
