I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
