i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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