Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
