Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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