Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
