I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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