i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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