I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
