I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
