Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
