I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
