I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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