Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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