I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
