i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
