You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
